My Best Friend’s Wedding
Canon in D, are you fucking kidding me, Jack? You can do better than that. You can do better than her. Soul mate, more like soul sucking bitch. You’re a handsome doctor; she’s a manipulative harpy/part-time sandwich artist. I mean what the hell are you thinking? You need to drop this girl like a sparkler that’s burned down to the handle. If you don’t I guaran-fucking-tee you’ll get burned. She’s a gold digger, and a boor, and an adulterer. Ok, technically she’s not an adulterer since you are just now getting married, but she definitely cheated on you. I know that for a fact. I was there. I watched her do it. Actually, I experienced her doing it. Yes, it was a douche-bag move on my part, but to be fair she made the first advance, I just didn’t stop her. We were sitting in that corner booth at the bar, when out of nowhere—Bam! Her hand went right to my crotch. Over the pants at first, but then, after I loosened my belt, she snuck her digits down my boxers and went after it properly. When I looked over at her to convey an expression of surprise, she didn’t even glance back in my direction, she just stared straight ahead, eyes fixed on the band. That’s when I looked down and noticed that I was not receiving her undivided attention. She was working on Max too, getting him with her left. One erection in each hand, she was delivering simultaneous strokes, like she was poling her way down a cat track. It was disgusting. I almost pulled her hand away, but I was close, so I didn’t. I mean goddamn, it was one of the most unapologetically slutty things I have ever seen. And now there you are, your best man Max by your side, her ambidextrous hands in yours, saying your I-do’s. Christ man, don’t do it. Say, “I don’t.” Dump that girl. Back out now. It’s not too late.
Of course you’re not going to do that because you’re a nice guy. You would never humiliate her like that. Not to mention the fact that you actually love her. Although, I suspect that’s because you’re completely blind to her true nature, her duplicity, her all around whore-ishness. If you knew the truth there is no way you would be getting married. Instead you’d be getting tested for STDs. God knows what that girl has given you.
You know, maybe, I should say something. Save you from this disaster. That’s probably the right thing to do, a step in the direction of redemption, atonement for my acquiescence to the manual stimulation she provided. It would be bad of course, a major scene that everyone in attendance would talk about for the rest of their lives, but it would be right. The nobility of my actions would outweigh the momentary humiliation. Yes, I should speak up I shou--
Oh shit, I’m already at the front of the receiving line. Damn that was a short ceremony.
“Jack, my man! Congratulations! What a beautiful ceremony. You are such a lucky guy. I’m so happy for you two.”